It all comes to an end..

It has come to an end, my friends. I got back from Thailand a week ago, and still adjusting to the lovely jet lag and getting back into my routine. I was just sitting and looking at my pictures from the last couple days of our trip, and could not beleive that I had been in Thailand for a month. It was such a great experience, including all the ups and downs that it entailed. It made me a much stronger person, and taught me things that I never would have learned about myself, God, and life unless I had put myself out of my comfort bubble like that.
I made some of the most amazing friends while being there, ones that I know I will stay in touch with for years and years. I definitely miss the quiet, laid back, peace, and contentment that I had in Thailand, coming home I have been trying to maintain it but the culture and pace of things are so much different.
A group of the students that we hung out with made Ryan and I presents for when we left, they made this notebook and on each page they glued a picture of themselves and wrote a note to me next to it. All of them said "forget me not", never could I forget them - they brought joy into my life while I was there.

There were about 10 or more people who came to the airport to say farewell to us. In Thailand when friends go and come - everyone comes to greet them or see them off at the airport. I absolutely love that - so genuine, respectful, and caring. I am going to miss them all deeply.
I learned a lot in the past month, and still learning, and will be for quite some time- forever actually. I have come to know, that that is ok - it is ok to have questions and doubts at times. It is what we do with those questions and doubts that determine us. Some of my questions will never be able to be answered until I can sit down with Jesus himself and ask away - which I am so excited to do! I learned to rely, trust, and lean on God more than I have ever had to do before. It was incredibly hard, but I managed to do it - and so thankful that I did. It made our relationship that much stronger. I know I am going to still make mistakes, and let down people - but God will always be there - He has his arms wide open at all times and cannot wait for us to come running to Him. I have found a deeper inner peace and inner contentment by working on my relationship with God - it is not always easy and I have to work at it everyday -and each day I grow closer with God.
I want to thank everyone for the prayers and support while I was in Thailand. It never would have been possible without you guys. Thank you for this amazing opportunity and following me as I grow and learn. Here are some pictures below of our last couple days, love you all :)

Walking back to the pottery workshop area

In the workshop where they carve the pottery beautifully



The pottery they made, it was gorgeous!

Next stop was the umbrella factory!

I loved these fans!

Motorcycle ride in the crazy Thai traffic!



Our last dinner in Thailand - where you cook it yourself! Nok Noi was cooking bacon and grease was splattering EVERYWHERE!

At the airport :(

Ben and I

Bay and I



Jared and Ryan

P'Sinn, P'Ann, and Me! Love them :)



I was so blessed to meet all the people I met in Thailand and have made lifelong friends and cannot wait to go back and visit again :)

The McKean Rehabilitation Center

Saturday Ryan and I went with our friend Bay and some of his friends from New Zealand (where he lived for 2 years) to The Mckean Rehabilitation Center, which is a center for individuals with leprosy. I had no idea what to expect, I did not know a whole lot about the disease except what I had heard in the Bible about Jesus loving even the lepers. I started asking more about the disease on the way out there, trying to prepare myself for what I was about to see. I found out that it is caused by 2 bacteria, mycobacterium leprae and mycobacterium lepromatosis. It is a disease of the peripheral nerves, and mucosa of the upper respiratory tract (I did some research). Skin lesions are the main outward sign of the disease. It does damage to the skin, nerves, limbs, and eyes, which can cause infections in body parts, which causes loss of tissue in your body. You see many with shortened fingers, arms, or legs, which is the result of the tissue loss. 

In the early twentieth century missionaries in Chiang Mai grew a large concern for the increase in leprosy sufferers, who were getting rejected from their homes and villages because so many feared the disease. In 1907 Dr. James McKean and some other missionaries asked to use the Koh Klang, which is an island surrounded by a canal and river, to found a leprosy center. This land had been used before by the rulers and they would keep their elephants on the island – many locals believed it was actually haunted by the spirit of a wild white elephant. Soon there were bamboo houses being built as McKean started taking in leprosy sufferers. Chiang Mai Leper Sylum was founded in 1908, which was heard about everywhere shortly after and began growing like wildfire. Some would even walk from China, Laos, and Burma to try and have a refuge where they can finally live a peaceful life.

Today, Thailand is still a leading country that is fighting the leprosy problem and continuing to grow in the services they offer. More than 500 new cases of leprosy were diagnosed in Thailand in 2007, and about 300,000 worldwide. So much of this disease is misunderstood, and there is a stigma that gets carried with it. They look to the people around them in these centers as their new families, since many of their own have abandoned them due to the minimized knowledge people know about leprosy. This center is out of the national Protestant Church, The Church of Christ in Thailand and raises about 70% of its own budget- the rest is earned by donations. The support is critical to the increasing need of gaining more knowledge about leprosy and new treatments and to continue to give these people hope of a new life.

That is a little history on the center that we went to. When we arrived we shopped at the store that had mostly all handmade crafts and things to buy – all the patients who live there make them daily. They have an extraordinary talent. We then went back to a workshop where a man was working, carving wood in to this picture that he had taped on the wall. I could not stop watching him, every slice he made to the wood was so precise and smooth – and all the carvings came out beautifully. This is the picture of the guy who I stood watching.

After that we then went on to the women’s dorm area where the ladies lived. I will not lie- I was in a bit of shock. When I first thought of a treatment center, I guess I had a picture in my head of the type of nursing homes we have back at home, nice buildings, indoors, air conditioning, and very clean. This was about the opposite, it is about 50% indoors – no doors though so just open doorways from the room to outside (I could not stop thinking about all the creatures that probably come into there at night). One lady was sitting on the floor on her mat, while another one was feeding her bread soaked in a soup type food. The lady on the floor was bone thin, and blind as her eyes had been taken from the leprosy. We all came into the room, and sat down and were just talking with her. Two more patients then came into the room and sat down with us with a big smile on their faces and non stop laughter. I could not stop thinking “ how are these people happy, how are they not soaking in self pity angry with the disease they have attained”. We started singing some songs, and just listening to what they had to say. One lady, the cutest little thing, was talking about how she used to live in the top floor of one of her childrens homes in Bangkok and was glad she was no longer there because it was always so hot and the care was not the greatest. Most of these patients have little to no contact with their children or any other family members. Most get dropped off then hardly ever talked to again. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears as I heard this, I could never ever imagine leaving my parents somewhere and not seeing them daily or taking care of them. All I could think was how selfish for those who left them here to hardly talk to them or check in on them, and to see the attitude and humbleness in these ladies eyes was unbelievable. They pray for their kids everyday, they thank God that they have the people around them that they do, and they listen to the events going on in the world and pray for those as well! They do not sulk in their disease, but instead embrace God and are thankful for so many things – which many of us take for granted.

I learned so much from just sitting with them for that short period of time, and kept thinking about all the things I whine about and sulk about and I felt so ashamed and ungrateful it was sickening. I prayed that whole time, thanking God for everything He had given me and asking for forgiveness for the way I take things for granted or un-appreciate things in my life. It was definitely a day where it made me take a step back and re-evaluate my outlook on life.

After we went to the ladies dorm area, we then went to the mens dorm area. Most were sleeping so we did not talk to many, but there was one who was Bay’s favorite who was up and smiling that we did get a chance to talk to. Bay prepared us and said to not be too shocked when we see him, we walked in and it was this old man with only his upper half of his body. I froze for about half a second to take it in, then saw his big smile just to see people to talk to. He was the most cheerful man, always a smile and a laugh and about five of us line danced for him! We did the electric slide, which is one of my FAVORITE dances ever! He just laughed and laughed, because it was definitely a humorous site at that. I just couldn’t imagine that such a little thing brought such joy to someones life.

I am so glad I had the opportunity to go and see this center. It is amazing what they are doing, and how they are changing these peoples lives. We get so stuck in our bubble at home, or at least I do, that you forget what is out there in this world and how much we all have to be so thankful for, even in situations where it seems you have lost everything. God never leaves our sides, He is there through thick and thin – even when it seems you are all alone.

Our fancy ride there! I wanted to paint some vibrant colors and peace signs on this baby!

 The carvings that the patients make daily, they were beautiful

These are where the patients that could still maintain independent living lived, the houses were one room with a bed, dresser, a desk and then a bathroom and storage area in the back

Us all sitting around talking and singing with the ladies in their room, these individuals needed care everyday so there were 4 beds in one room where they stayed and nurses tended to them 

One of the ladies who was still able to live on her own, showed us her house and we stayed and chatted for awhile then she wanted us to get a group picture!

Hope you enjoyed reading and looking at these pictures! I have about 4 days left, we leave Thursday evening at 11:20. I am both sad to be leaving and excited to be going home at the same time. This truly has been a trip of a lifetime, and so glad that I came. It has been life changing and cannot wait till the day that I come back. Love to all!

For more info go to mckeanhosp.org

Pictures!!

Getting a Thai massage! It was lovely

Ryan, Me, and Anna at the waterfall

My favorite fruit here, Mangosteens!

This trail was one of my favorite adventures we have done here

This looks like a scene out of jurassic park!

My Avatar tree; looked like a tree out of the movie!

Our second waterfall that we had to climb to! It was beautiful

Anna and I

For Anna's last night, we lit off floating lanterns! 

Here are just some pictures of what we have been up to lately! I could not post them on my previous blog so I finally just had time to add these! I will posting a blog about where I went yesterday when I get back tonight! Hope all is well with everyone; love you!

Up's and Down's

Hello all,
It has been awhile since I have blogged, which has given me time to collect my thoughts and what has been going on the past couple days here in Thailand. My first week in Thailand was a bit chaotic, trying to get over jet lag and then ending up in the lovely hospital for 3 days, then Anna arrived. The second week was fun, but it seemed that I had a lot of distractions in my head and it was really hard for me to focus on the reason why I was here in Thailand. My head seemed very chaotic with millions of questions, ones that had not really occurred to me before, going through my head.

Anna and I had a deep talk one evening, while eating sushi which I have attained a great obsession for now, about the definition of having a relationship with God. This is something that I have not thought deep about before really, and when the question was asked I did not have a solid answer. I guess to me it is about having a two way street with God, talking with Him, trusting Him, leaning on Him, and not just going to Him in a time of need but also in a time of praise.

While having this conversation though, I kept talking about how there are so many missionairies here, so many people that left what they had and traveled half way across the world to share God with a culture that is Buddhist. I started comparing myself to them. I felt like there is no way I could leave everything I have at home and come to a different country, learn their language, and start over all because God told me to. These people completely gave their lives to God, and said "Do what you will with my life". Since I do not have this big desire to move half way across the world, I started to think that my relationship with God is nothing like I thought it was, and therefore I must not be THAT good of a christian. I had in my head that the more "christian" things you do, the better "christian" you must be.

This brought up many questions that I started battling with. Such as, if a show is on TV and I know that it would not be the best thing for me to watch but I watch it anyway, is that abusing grace? Knowing that we are all sinful by nature, and God forgives those mistakes, but repeatedly doing it over and over must mean that I have no desire to stop so where does the put me in my relationship with God? Are those desires suppose to go away the stronger your relationship with God gets? What if you do not stop doing the things that do not always glorify God, does that make you a bad christian? I bet this missionary next to me who flew half way across the world does not watch or act in a way that does not glorify God, therefore I must not be that strong of a christian.

This example kept going though my mind. Say there are two individuals, both are christians and believe that God sent his son to die for our sins. But one of them fully follows out God's will, goes where he/she is told, drops everything for God, and glorifies Him in every way possible. The other only partially gives his life to God, because he feels he is going to lose out on fun by giving his/her full life to God. Doesnt want to travel the world for God, and does half the things in their life to glorify God. They both go to heaven, so what is the point in trying so much harder to glorify God when it does not seem to come easy if they both get to end up in Heaven with Him in the end because of what they believe? Basically I felt like if I fully give myself to God, that I am going to end up losing something and having to follow all these rules and move to Africa. I do not have a strong desire for any of those, therefore I must be only being a "half way christian".

I was raised in a christian home, went to a christian school until 9th grade but I have never once read the Bible front to back. I do not think I have even read a whole book. The majority of the people I am surrounded with on this trip have read the entire Bible or almost the whole thing. That made me feel like I also must not be a good christian since I have not put myself in God's word. I could not stop comparing myself with the people around me, and feeling low self worth because of it. These were the thoughts that have been racing through my mind for days.

I seemed to have lost the truth in what it means to have a relationship with God. I had this picture of something that is not true, based on what I have seen or heard from other people but had never dug into. I had that the more christian your life looks, the stronger the christian you are. Which is strange, because I have always been against the fake humility, hypocrisy, and judgement that comes easily with people who look very christian on the outside. I know that it is not true about the more christian things you do, the better christian you are.. but I could not stop comparing myself and thinking that in my head the past week and a half. I had felt a chaotic-ness in my head worse than I have ever before, and this I came to understand were lies being put in my head.

The easiest place for the enemy to attack on me, is my mind, and boy was he at work with that. I am over here doing work for God, and he does not enjoy that so he goes fast to work in my thoughts. I had no ability to win at that point because I was not digging into my Bible by any means, or really even growing in my relationship with God. I had come to a point where this was feeling more like a vacation, and not me growing. It was suggested that I start reading the gospels, and dig in for my own truth on what it means to have and grow in a relationship with God. I started Matthew and in the Message Bible, which was a great idea. I have a hard time in understanding the Bible, the way it is written and I always lose focus about 4 paragraphs in and start daydreaming. The way  The Message is worded helps me immensely and everything I have read in Matthew has directly what I have been thinking about this whole trip. God has a humor to Him that I love. I could not help but laugh at parts, because it was like it was being said directly to me.

I have realized that God has a great plan for me, and just because I have no desire to go live in Africa, that has nothing to do with my faith and relationship with God. God designed me to desire and love what I do. I have a passion for working with inner-city youth on probation. I love the troubled youths, the kids who need someone to care about them, the lost ones..I love them all. That is what God designed me to have a passion for, that is what I will be doing for the rest of my life and that is how I will show God's love to the people around me. I do not have to be in a foreign country speaking about God in order to share Him with people. God is going to use my talents and desires for His glory. That I will not be losing things in my life, but gaining instead. I had this picture that I was going to lose friends, family, jobs, and much more all because of this picture in my head of what this perfect christian looks like, when that is not what the focus should be. It should be the relationship between God and me.

That was my drama going on the past week and a half and boy has it eased up! Just by reading the Bible and dropping all these pictures in my head of what I thought it was suppose to look like, has helped a lot.  To find out the truth and that my relationship with God is just between me and Him, and that he knows my heart. It is almost like God knew that is where I stood and what I was confused on between Him and I, and is using those negative thoughts for a positive. Showing me to search for the truth, and I will find it.

On a different note, Anna left today :( We dropped her off at the airport around 7 and hung out with her until boarding time at 8:30. We became very close while being here in Thailand, we did a lot together and had great thought provoking conversations. She was my walking and adventuring around buddy, and I am going to miss that. I was pretty sad when I came back to my empty room, I felt ready to go home too because it was her that was pushing me constantly to enjoy my time here, to grow, and learn..amidst all my frustration that I was feeling. She listened to me whine and gripe about things going on, and letting me vent my crazy mind. We are very much alike, so we had quite a few venting sessions! I know that I will still enjoy this last week here, now that I know how to cope with my crazy head! It does seem crazy to know that I have been here for 3 weeks already, it has been a trip of a lifetime. I have made amazing connections and friendships that will last a lifetime, and I know I will be back in the future. Nobody can come here just once in their life.

Well enough of deep talk. Yesterday we went to the highest mountain in Thailand and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I felt like I was in a dream, or in the movie Avatar. Then for Anna's last night, we lit off floating lanterns! It was beautiful. My computer is not loading the pictures at the moment, so for now I am just going to post this and I will try the pictures a bit later! Love you all :)

Elephants, Tigers and Bears OH MY!

Ok, well no bears but it didn't sound as cool without saying it. Today was amazing, we went to an elephant camp and tiger kingdom. We watched an elephant show where the played soccer, did tricks, and painted pictures! Then Anna and I went on an elephant ride, and our driver got off half way and was taking pictures of us. They came out awesome! They are on Anna's camera so I will post those once I get them from her. Then off we went to the Tiger Kingdom! Ryan and I played with the small tigers, they were two months old and just the cutest things in the world. I have a cat obsession, so this was like playing with oversized kittens! Anna sat with the biggest tiger, who was MASSIVE! Such beautiful animals though.

It has been amazing to be here and soak in the Thai culture. It is a very laid back, relaxed, and un hurried environment which is complete opposite of who I am at times. I am a planner freak, and keep everything in my little planner, and slightly get anxiety when things do not go as I planned them. When I first think of "missions trip" I think of building houses, going to all different kinds of places and telling people of God, going out and "doing". This trip has taught me very differently, that it is not about "doing" but instead it is about "just being".

I am a person who loves being entertained, very social, and loves conversation...as long as I am not too tired or have low blood sugar :) So with there being a language barrier, my conversation skills are very limited. Indeed, there are some Thai's who can speak enough english to maintain small convos with, but not as in depth or long as we have with people at home. What I have discovered with this barrier is that I hope nobody ever has the ability to EVER get inside my head because they would go CRAZY! Not being engaged in talk at all times, or evesdropping on other peoples conversations, gives me a lot of time to get inside my head, and at first this was not at all a good thing. I worry about things going on at home, what I am missing out on, how much I need to work for enough money when I get home, school starting three weeks after I get back, what friends I am going to see first when I get home, and the list goes on and on and on. Talk about anxiety attack at full force. I found myself getting major stress and having more distractions than I could handle which took away from me just enjoying being here. I realized that I was the one who needed a missionary! So lately when I find myself getting distracted and over thinking, which I tend to do way more than I would like to, I just try and quiet myself and hand it all over to God. Let Him deal with my crazy head! It has been a struggle because I like to do everything by myself, I hate...hate..asking for help, and trusting in people or God which is what I have been learning to do quite often here. It has not been easy and as a matter of fact I almost had my dad fly out here when I was in the hospital because I was about done, what a lil quitter! It has been a missions trip internally for me. So once I realized I needed to just relax, and enjoy it here, and hand my problems over to God.. I have LOVED it. I honestly would love to live here. I will definitely be coming back. Thai people are the most amazing, and happy people I have ever met. I now know why they call it the Land of the Smiles.

So just keep praying that I can stay out of my head and away from distractions and enjoy this amazing opportunity to its full potential!

Here are some pics of that last couple days :)

Nok Noi and I trying on hats in a shop :)

Ryan, I, Anna, and Ben at WonGen Cafe 

Sharing my story at Chiang Mai Baptist Church and Pi Ann translating

Anna and I in a sung tow on the way to the market

Ryan and Pi Sinn on the back of a sung tow (taxi)  singing "I believe I can flyyyy"

Sunday's Walking Street. I did some shopping damage here! Vendors are everywhere!

Where we ate at walking street

Nok Noi and I in a sung tow

Elephant camp!

This little girl was at the elephant camp, at the coffee shop, I about stole her. I sat with her for a hour before we had to part ways :/

There trunks are the weirdest things ever! They suction everything!

These paintings go for hundreds to thousands of dollars, crazy!

Anna and I going for an elephant ride, what an experience

This is the other kitty I would like to take home...

Ryan and I with the little cubs

Anna with the BIG boy! 

Magnificent creatures. Just gorgeous

Tomorrow I am off to a village about an hour and a half away from Chiang Mai so expect updates soon :)